Snips, Snails, and Puppy Dog Tales
by Harmony Seraphim
Summary: Roxas hates his name. Riku doesn't like birthdays. Kairi wants to be a detective. A collection of random one-shots.  :Edit: Chapter 4- Akuroku friendship drabbles. Happy 8/13!
1. Names

_This is my first attempt to write a Kingdom Hearts story, and my first attempt at writing after months of inspiration abandoning me. I don't have any idea where it came from, but I enjoyed writing it. Not perfectly happy with it, but when is any writer?_

_AU. Rated F for friendship. _

_Disclaimer- I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, I wouldn't be a starving college student._

* * *

><p>If there was one thing in the world that Roxas hated, it was his name. Roxas. <em>Roxas.<em> Roxas.

It was all his parent's fault, really . Specifically his mom's. She just _had_ to demand that she not have an ultrasound. She didn't want to see her child until it was out of her womb, and she steadfastly held on to that thought process throughout her pregnancy. His father, ever the calm one, agreed with her decision. They came up with the _absolute perfect_ name, regardless of whether the baby was male or female- Sora. The room was painted in a gender-neutral color of light purple, with a purple cradle and toys compromising the spectrum of the rainbow.

What they hadn't been expecting were twins. 'Or, more adequately, they weren't expecting me'.

Sora came first, as Roxas had heard the story retold exuberantly by his mom, her blue eyes glinting in a mysterious way. With her blond hair and their father's black hair, it was no surprise that Sora came out with brown hair and eyes bluer than the sky. But she wasn't nearly done with labor yet.

Roxas had came out an hour or so afterwards. He was mom's 'little surprise'. He popped out of the womb with black hair and soft brown eyes. He might have even appeared Japanese if he had just managed to have black eyes. But any hopes to blend in with their father's people disappeared when she finally decided on a name for him. Roxas.

Oh sure, when he was a young kid, he thought it was the coolest name in the world. Only his mom, dad and brother could actually pronounce his name correctly. Roxas. Rock-sas. His name.

The problem really started when he went into elementary school and started learning his letters. Sora's name used only two letters, and they used the easy hiragana letters. So. Ra. It was so easy, Roxas could write it in his sleep. But his own name? Four letters, and they used katakana. Katakana wasn't nearly as pretty or as fluid as hiragana was, and they distorted the way his name was supposed to sound. Ro-ku-sa-su. He hated the way that none of the Japanese could ever pronounce his name. And it never got easier, not even through middle school.

He could remember the exact date that he decided that he didn't even want to try to fit in with society. He didn't want to be one of the Japanese salarymen or factory workers; he didn't want to belong to some after school club, he didn't want to join in with the fake society they lived in. It was two days before high school entrance exams.

Roxas had gone into his room with a bleaching kit, a pair of scissors, hair gel and colored contacts. He left his room with most of his clothes shredded, his hair spiky blonde and icy blue eyes. And nobody batted an eyelash.

A few months later, he and Sora arrived to the first day at their new high school. Roxas had originally planned to just skip straight to the work force, but enough of Sora's puppy dog eyes that really should _not_ still be able to affect him at age 15 convinced him otherwise.

Sunset High School was an intermediate school- if you worked your ass off, you could manage to make your way into college or a good job, but it didn't automatically guarantee you a job. There was a rather lax dress code, and Roxas took advantage of it to the fullest. He added red laces to the nondescript black sneakers, he had (small) rips strategically placed on the black pants, and he left his light blue shirt untucked with the sleeves rolled up to show off his white and black checkered wristbands.

The first half of the day passed in relative peace. While he and Sora got the same weird stares they had since childhood, Roxas shrugged them off and made no move to socialize while Sora went out into the group of students and made friends. It always amazed Roxas how quickly Sora was able to integrate with the rest of the non-compromising Japanese students, but maybe it was because he fit in. _His_ name wasn't freaky.

Around the billionth weird look he'd gotten from his fellow students, it was finally lunchtime and Sora had managed to meet up with Kairi and Riku. As much as Roxas didn't want to wander a foreign place alone, he didn't want to crash his brother's reunion, and so with a heavy sigh, Roxas set out on a quest to find a good place to eat.

His quest, after bringing him to two half-empty classrooms, a broom closet with interesting sounds coming out of it, and the flooded men's bathroom, brought him to the roof. His initial glance showed him nobody was up here, but the smell of cigarette smoke and cologne proved him wrong.

Roxas looked around on the roof until he saw a flaming red dot on the horizon. A boy with hair the color of a fire truck sat right on the edge of the building, his legs hanging over the sides. He, like Roxas, had his sleeves rolled up and had completely undone his tie, leaving it hanging unkempt around his neck. The boy had yet to turn around to face Roxas, and he let out a big poof of smoke from his cigarette.

Roxas walked slowly forward until he was just a few feet away from the strange boy. "Is this seat taken?"

The other boy didn't say a word, just gestured his cigarette-free hand for Roxas to sit down next to him. Roxas took the seat gratefully, admiring the view from the top of the building. The entirety of the school's athletic fields were visible, and Roxas could see all the way into downtown Makuhari. He could even see the route that he and Sora would be taking to get to Makuhari train station every afternoon. He let out an appreciative whistle, before bringing his attention back to the stranger next to him.

From the side, the stranger looked even weirder. His spiked hair stretched up at least 15 centimeters above his head and spread out like a porcupine, and the other boy had vivid green eyes. But the most surprising thing to Roxas was the upside-down purple tear-drop tattoos on both of the boy's upper cheeks. Even sitting down, Roxas could tell that the other boy was easily taller than Roxas. His family highly looked down on tattoos (so did most of Japan, now that he thought about it), but this boy was brave enough to show off his tattoos on his face.

Roxas wasn't sure if this was the kind of person he should associate with. He knew Sora would probably freak the hell out with just one look at the older teen, not to mention his father would have a hernia, but what would his mom say? 'Appearances are deceiving', or some shit like that. Oh what the hell, it wouldn't hurt to at least talk to the other boy.

"My name's Roxas. Me and my brother just transferred here. Who are you?"

"Roxas, huh?" The way the other boy pronounced his name was flawless. No limiting Japanese pronunciations. Just his name as it was meant to be. Roxas briefly wondered whether the other boy was American or British. "The name's Axel. Got it memorized?"

Roxas smirked. "Nope."

Axel grinned widely at Roxas, and Roxas was able to tell the other boy was just as contact-wearing and hair-dye using as Roxas. Even with just this one snippet of conversation, he was pretty sure they would get along just fine.


	2. Celebration

_I believe the prompt for this one was *First Person* Celebration*. And my brain immediately went to Riku! Because Riku wasn't always an angsty angst-face._

_Rated F for Friendship and the most adorable scene I've ever written._

* * *

><p>I glared at the one little chocolate cupcake with three lit blue candles presented on the Tinkercup plate in front of me. Oh, how I wanted to just overturn the plate and escape as quickly as possible. But...<p>

Two sets of eyes gazed at me with all the intensity that they could muster. The bright blue eyes were set in a pout, and the slightly dimmer sapphire irises just dared me to go anywhere without blowing out that candle. I knew I had no choice.

I took a deep breath, preparing to blow the three candles out, but before I could do it, Sora yanked the cupcake away. "Ri-ku! You have to make a wish first! It's your birthday after all."

I rolled my eyes. What are we, five year olds? But looking at his frown, I resigned myself to whatever crazy ideas of how birthdays should go from the king of birthdays himself.

Sora was one of those kids who absolutely loved birthdays. Two months ago, he invited every single person on the island to his birthday, and the surprising part was that almost everyone at least stopped by to congratulate him. I guess on an island of 200 or so people, it's easy for everyone to know everyone else, but it still seems a little surprising to me.

Then again, I just don't like birthdays. I don't know why, I've just never liked them. Each year we mark is a year less that we have overall. And why does this one little day out of the year really matter, in the long run? Absolutely nothing, at least to me.

I rolled my eyes again, and Kairi immediately thwapped me on the head. "Riku, come on, can't you just cooperate for the first time in your life? We're your best friends, the least you could do is humor us."

"The lifeguard. The pineapple incident. The midnight streaking episode. The sandcastle. Need I go on?" I smirked, seeing her blush and avoiding eye contact. I always won when I brought up the sandcastle, and I'd never let them live it down.

Sora's face, if possible, grew into an even bigger pout. "Oh, come on Riku, for us?"

"Please?"

"Pretty please?"

"Pretty pretty please with sugar on top?"

"Pretty pretty pretty please with cherries and lollipops and chocolate and-"

I grabbed the cupcake out of Sora's hand and blew out the candles. Sora opened up his mouth to speak, but I interrupted him before he even had a chance. "Yes Sora, I made a wish as I was blowing out the candles. And no, I won't tell anybody because then my wish wouldn't come true."

Sora closed his mouth, for the first time in recorded history at a loss for words. Kairi took advantage of the silence to wrap me in a hug. Immediately afterwards, Sora's embrace overtook hers and I smiled. Not that they could see past the hug, of course.

Oh, my wish? That we'd be friends forever. And I knew it would come true.

* * *

><p><em>Reviews make me happy! So make me happy?<em>


	3. Absolutely Not

_The prompt for this story was, and I quote, "write for 15 minutes * humor * absolutely not". And do you know what I remembered? I remembered what someone at Animazement said- there is no DonaldKairi in the world. And you know what I thought? "OH FUCK RULE 34 OH GOD DAMNIT"._

_Well, I luckily have the inability to write sex scenes. Thus, you get the first DonaldKairi pairing that I have ever found on the internet. Please feel free to correct me if this is not the case. Yes, they are mildly out of character. It's fucking DonaldKairi, what did you expect?_

_Rated "T" for suggestive situations and for an unholy pairing that should not exist._

_Also, Donald is in full anthropomorphic duck form as he is in the games. Why? Because it's cheating if he isn't._

* * *

><p>"Absolutely not!" Donald's squeaky voice cracked as it jumped an octave higher than normal.<p>

Kairi's pout grew more pathetic looking. She didn't want to have to resort to her ultimate weapon, but it looked like Donald wasn't giving her any choice in the matter. Her eyes started to water ever so slightly. "But Donald... I just want to catch the criminal. And we know due to your magic that Big Momma went in there. We need to be able to infiltrate it!"

"NO."

A single tear rolled down Kairi's face pathetically. "Donald... why do you never listen to me? I bet if Goofy were here you'd listen to him! You hate me!" Kairi's voice grew to screeching proportions, and people on the sidewalk around them were starting to notice and watch with hushed whispers.

"NO!"

More tears rolled down Kairi's face, and she didn't make a move to wipe them off. She went down on one knee and grabbed Donald's beak, forcing him to look her dead in the eye. Her puffy red, crying eyes. He immediately flinched, but she refused to let go. "All I wanted... was to be a good detective... and make Riku and Sora and you proud... of me. And you wo-"

"OKAY FINE" His screechy voice said, and immediately she hugged him. Her tears miraculously dried and she grabbed his hand, pulling him into the nearby shopping mall. Immediately, Donald knew he had been played. Oh, and that he was doomed. That too.

* * *

><p>The problem had started earlier that morning, when Goofy called into the detective agency sick. Goofy rarely missed any work and had the determination of a mule, so nobody gave him any hassle about it, but it meant that Donald was without a partner. And in the detective agency, that was a death sentence waiting to happen. So, Kairi, the simple secretary of the detective firm, was given a one-day promotion to be Donald's partner. Normally, Donald would have joined Riku and Sora's team, but after Riku "accidentally" insulted Donald's choice of not wearing pants a week ago and Riku "accidentally" woke up with pink hair, the two were still not on speaking terms. Especially since the pink was still slightly visible in the silver locks, to Kairi and Sora's amusement.<p>

Thus, Kairi had the wonderful job of joining the investigation of the robbery on 34th and Castle. The bank wasn't a major bank and not much money itself was stolen, but a few precious jewels and paperwork that someone was mighty eager to get back were also taken. Kairi and Donald had traced the criminals to Four Corners, a female-only lesbian bar downtown, but no partner was allowed to go in alone. Donald wanted to just burst right in, but Kairi was convinced that the criminals would get a heads-up and escape. Thus, Kairi's brilliant plan- disguises.

Kairi pulled the reluctant Donald into the Forever 21 with a smile on her face. She went through almost all the clothes ranks before she found exactly what she was looking for- a short, blue shimmery dress with sequins. She took it off the rank and smiled at Donald, who slowly tried to back away. "This will be perfect!" Kairi squealed.

She pulled the reluctant duck into the dressing room, where she started to unbutton his shirt.

Donald's face quickly resembled a tomato and he gave an indignant huff. "Even if I have to go through this humiliation, I can still change myself. Now get out!" And with a huff, he kicked her out of the dressing room.

Kairi sat on the ground stupefied for a few minutes until Donald walked out of the dressing room. The dark blue sequin dress, which would have only reached Kairi's upper thigh, managed to cover all the way past Donald's stomach in the front and barely managed to cover his tail feathers in the back. Altogether, he looked like a duck stuck in a dress. But this was just the first step.

Kairi stopped in a few more shops, but she spared Donald the torture of having to go in there with her. In each store she walked out with a bag and a secret smile on her face. And after each store, Donald grabbed the bag out of her hand and his feathered face turned a little redder. Mascara. Lipstick. Eyeliner. Foundation. Breathmints. He could only imagine what could be worse.

Until she brought him to the shoe store, and Donald knew he had to put his foot down somewhere. And he did. Right on her foot.

"Oww! What was that for?" Kairi fumed, glaring at him. Donald crossed his arms.

"I could handle the dress. I will handle the fracking makeup. But I will not, under any circumstances, wear girl shoes. A man has to preserve his dignity." He quacked in a very dignified manner. Kairi rolled her eyes, but obliged and left the store without picking up a pair of shoes.

She instead pulled him into the female part of the nearby bathroom. The area was mostly deserted, so Kairi pushed him into a stall with the blue dress and waited for him to change. As he changed, she quickly applied her own makeup, touching up on her foundation and eye makeup.

He exited the stall wearing the outfit, and his previous outfit was nowhere to be seen. She blinked.

"Magic."

"Ah, okay." And with that, she set out to make him be-a-utiful.

* * *

><p>It was surprising how fast Donald's entire world could change in the blink of an eye, when he thought about it. Just an hour ago, he was standing outside this very bar with completely different appearance, but now he could walk into the female-only bar freely. And, not that he would ever tell Kairi, Riku, or Goofy this, but the outfit was almost pretty-looking. Almost. Not that he could ever enjoy looking like a girl.<p>

Kairi smiled at the bulky female bouncer standing outside of Four Corners with a sheepish smile. The woman was built like a freaking bulldozer, muscles large and bulging with muscles. Donald wasn't sure what was more scary- her appearance or the gun carefully hidden in a holster on her hip.

"IDs, please".

Kairi handed the woman both her and Donald's ID's. Thank god for Donald's magic, his ID was completely fixed and even gave him a new alias- Dolly. Kairi planned on abusing him about it in private the first chance she got.

The bouncer looked from Donald to the ID multiple times before handing the IDs back to Kairi with a look of lust in her eyes. Kairi pretended to not be creeped out when the bouncer grabbed Kairi's hand and gave it a kiss. Donald wasn't sure what the burning feeling in his stomach was as he watched the scene. Was the fire in his stomach hunger? No... Upset stomach? He whispered a cure spell under his breath, to no effect.

Kairi pulled her hand away from the bouncer and grabbed Donald's hand, pulling 'her' down the few steps into the bar. Immediately Kairi's eyes and nose burned from the smell of alcohol and the tang of secondhand smoke. Now she remembered why she hated bars.

Donald looked at something in the palm of his hand which Kairi figured was his tracking device, the way he was able to follow Big Momma to Four Corners. Donald subtly pointed to the area in the back of the bar, where the private rooms were located. Kairi groaned. "Just great."

After some subtle flirting with the bartenders on Kairi's part that left the fiery part of Donald's stomach ever worse than earlier, they were able to figure out that the only way back there was to rent out a room from the main bartender. It was primarily for couples who just couldn't take their eyes off of each other, the waitress had told them with a giggle and a wink.

"So…"

"So…" And then there was silence. And it was awkward. With a Capitol A. And W. And K. W. A. R. D.

Oh yes, Donald had every urge to cast a huge Fire spell on this whole place and burn the place down when he left. He had half a mind to do it early. 'Dead or Alive', right?

"We need to pretend to be lovers… enough to get into the back rooms…" Kairi buried her face in her hands. Donald wasn't sure whether he was happy or irritated at this news, but seeing Kairi upset made him want to comfort her. He had been obstinate the entire time so far, maybe it was time for him to look at it from a different perspective.

"Aww, cheer up Kairi. We only need to look like we're… lovers. What's the worst that could happen?" Donald said, awkwardly patting her on the back. He wasn't much of a comforting person, but it was the least he could do for the sweet girl.

She pulled her hands away from her face. After a few deep breaths and rearranging her mental priorities, Kairi pulled away from his comforting hand. "Okay Donald. The only way we're going to be able to convince a bartender that we're in need of a room like that is by proving it. So… don't take this the wrong way…"

Donald reached a hand to wrap her hand in his own feathery hand. He gripped her hand in his and ignored the butterflies flittering in his stomach.

He moved his bill closer to her mouth. Her lips met his bill hesitantly. Neither had ever kissed someone of a different species- Kairi's only kisses were with Sora and Tidus when they were younger and Donald's one and only kiss was with Daisy. Kairi wasn't sure if she liked the mostly inflexible lips (but she figured she might be able to get used to them. Eventually, that is), while Donald couldn't taste enough of Kairi's taste- a sort of oreo and mint tang. After a few seconds of innocent kissing, Donald deepened their kiss, trying to taste more of Kairi's delicious individual taste.

After who knows how long of kissing, Kairi pushed them against the bar itself, shocking a few of the customers, but Donald was too entranced to pay any attention. After his back rammed into the hard bar surface for a little while, he gazed off into nothing as Kairi broke the kiss to grab a set of dangling keys from one of the bartenders. She pulled a still-stunned Donald after her.

"Buh… wha?"

* * *

><p>30 minutes later, Donald and Kairi managed to arrest Big Momma and knock out all her body guards. When Sora and Riku finally got to the entrance of the bar (cops or no, the scary bouncer refused to let them in), Kairi and a back-to-normally-dressed Donald were able to greet them at the door. But for the next week, neither Kairi nor Donald could make eye contact without blushing.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Surprisingly, this was one of the stories I had the least trouble writing. Maybe Donald and Kairi were meant to be together? *shoots self* Orrr maybe I'm just way too fond of crack. Yeah. That must be it.<em>

_R+R. 3_


	4. 100 times 5

_I wanted to have a full story done for Akuroku day, but I only just realized what day it was. So, instead, I wrote a few drabbles. They're all 100 words each, and 5 total. Keeping yourself at 100 words each is difficult!_

_Rating- F for friendship. And the last one might have romance if you so choose to see it. _

* * *

><p>Axel knew that innocence was such a subjective thing. For instance, the keyblade master frequently killed creatures but still had his naïve personality, as Axel saw in person during his visit to Castle Oblivion. So when Roxas turned to Axel and asked if he was even capable of innocence, Axel could firmly respond that Roxas was. If any Nobody had the claim to innocence, it was Roxas- the only one who didn't actually die in order to become a Nobody, and the only one of them who might actually have a living connection to his heart.<p>

* * *

><p>"Can't <em>you <em>take out the trash this time?"

"Why? It's _your _room, Roxas."

"You're the one who ordered all the pizza, idiot. You make the mess, you clean it up."

"But we split the cost 50/50! I think that means we should split the clean-up."

"Let me guess, you want me to pick up the trash while you hold up the bag?"

"Well, I mean, you are closer to the ground than me."

"…You know, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. I cleaned last time. Take care of it."

And with that statement, Roxas portaled away.

The chakram ricocheted off the walls, cleanly slicing the 3 practice dummies in two. Axel jumped up and caught the chakram in his right hand, continuing to spin it around his finger. Roxas could tell that Axel was getting tired just from his too-stiff posture. It was time for an intervention.

Just after Axel threw the next chakram, Roxas swung into action. After the first richochet, Roxas ran from his observation point and swung Oblivion into the chakram, sending it plummeting to the ground.

"It's time for dinner. Stop moping and get down to the kitchen."

Axel saluted. _"Yes, mom."_

* * *

><p>"Roxas leaned in, trying to bait Axel into approaching. Sometimes Axel fell for the trap, but other times, he would take advantage of Roxas's lowered state and manage to pin him. Who knows what will happen this time…"<p>

"One. Two. Three."

"OH! In a stunning move by Axel, Roxas was baited and is now pinned! Who knows if this'll be the final part of this thrilling match!"

Roxas's eye twitched.

* * *

><p>"Four. Five. Si- damn it!"<p>

"And it looks like Roxas managed to escape Axel's pin! How flexible! How dexterous!"

"DEMYX! STOP NARRATING OUR THUMB WAR!" Roxas screamed. Demyx wisely escaped.

* * *

><p>"So… what exactly is silly putty?"<p>

If it had been anybody other than Roxas asking that question, Axel would've just ignored it as a joke. But Roxas obviously couldn't remember what silly putty was, much less anything else. But how do you describe it?"

"It's like this thing that you can shape into other things…" When he saw Roxas's blank look, Axel opened the silly putty container and started kneading the material.

"It can be molded into different shapes. Like this one." Axel handed Roxas putty in the shape of a heart. "Now we don't need to complete Kingdom Hearts."


End file.
